Eating My Cake

oh yeah, by the way...

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:24:39 GMT

since this is blog is supposed to be a lot about bisexuality, thought i'd add a small note....

i've noticed that i'm definitely aware of women much more as sexual beings now than before i started having all this boy-girl, penis-vegina sex.

there has definitely been an increase in the number of times that i'll find myself imagining a woman naked, or having sex. in the past, this mostly occurred for me with guys. women didn't trigger those kinds of thoughts unless i gave them a bit more attention.

interesting...

Good Stuff

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:21:16 GMT

things have been going *much* more smoothly with Curly this past week.

we were together last weekend, and at the end of the weekend, there was a bit of a dustup. but i recognized it pretty quickly and then she recognized it, and then we sort of diffused it, and while it wasn't all sweetness and light, it was a LOT less dramatic than previous occasions.

mer-people

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:39:55 GMT

I seem to attract (or be attracted to) mer-people. which is ironic since i can't tread water and generally try to avoid things like rivers and oceans. statistically speaking, neither cats nor black people tend to be swimmers.

Curly and i went to this really cool evening event at a museum last night. waaaaayyyy cool to be able to run around in a natural science museum holding a cocktail and listening to loungey beats (though apparently, the beats frightened the turtles...)

The best part was Curly in the aquarium. She was honestly like a six year-old she was so excited. She took like 200 photos and might not have moved from one exhibit to the next without prodding. It was very cute and endearing - I'm a sucker for unbridled enthusiasm :-)

Also nice was how she handled the end of the evening. I wanted to go back to my place to deal with some photos that I shot for a friend's fundraiser, and Curly of course wanted to have sex. She's tried a number of tactics like guilt and pouting, both of which annoy the heck outta me. Last night she spun those out just a tiny bit, but not too hard, and instead we made out a little bit, which was waaaaaayyyyy better

I'm much more about the carrot than the stick :-)

olive branches

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:29:36 GMT

Curly brought me some flowers at work today; yay!

I could be snarky and call it a quid pro quo for the flowers i delivered on monday, but most of me doesn't see it that way :) and even that part of me agrees that if she mirrors my flower gifting behavior, everybody wins!

Had lunch with GG, which is nice cause he loves to process things as much as i do. He likes the "she's testing boundaries theory".

Renewal

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 17:27:36 GMT

Aha! We might be back on track again.

Curly's had several good friends teasingly chastise her for "being mean" to me, and in the last couple of days our communication seems to be getting easier again.

Theories abound. My current fave is that once we passed the 'meet the parents' stage, a part of Curly was able to relax and accept that this is going to be a real long-term relationship (we've talked about the 3 month barrier before). Once that happened, a lot of expectations kicked up for her (conscious and subsconscious) and have been causing her angst. Notable event - in a dramatic moment, Curly actually speculated as to how she was supposed to explain to her mother (who might eventually come to visit, if Curly and i were to ever move in together) the presence of an enema shower attachment. I mean... really? that's where her head went? wow...

So anyway, dropped her some flowers yesterday, got to see her happy and smiley. Saw her very briefly last night at a friend's and it felt good. and i tried a new strategy this morning - i sent a few email messages addressing some of the issues that she brought up; acknowledging the valid points, and basically offering some olive branches. I'm trying to hit on the 'grain of truth' buried in the flare up, and make it clear that i'm hearing her and want to find the compromise.

round 2

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:17:03 GMT

Spent a bunch of time with Curly this weekend. Some of it was really good, and it's the first time in weeks that we had a weekend like we had so much of in 2008 - generally just attending to chores in each other's spaces, watching movies (one in a film fest, and a couple of LOST episodes on DVD).

We also talked a bit - more than we have in the last couple of weeks. Curly acknowledged that she's been a sort of a basket case recently; she actually noted that the shift took place in her mind when we were in Seattle a week ago. She also shared that she's therapist-shopping, which i guess is a good thing. She's had therapists plenty in her adult life. Although i've never been to one, i do have a lot of respect for therapy and those who engage in it.

I'm still left navigating some tricky waters. We seem to have shifted really rapidly from my getting lots of positive feedback and affirmation, to my getting a lot of criticism and negativity. It's like a game where i did really well in the first round, and then the second round came in with all different rules and just waaaaaayyyyyy harder.

Funny though, i feel like if it were just that the bar were higher, it would be challenging, but i could deal. But i respond really badly to negative criticism; it makes me want to do exactly the opposite of what's wanted. If you tell me "It would work a lot better for me if you did X," i'm likely to try to cooperate. But if you chastise me for not doing X when i never committed to it, i'm likely to explain all the reasons why it's not going to happen.

the other shoe drops

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 06:11:47 GMT

After yoga today, Curly let slip that she's Depressed. I suspect that she wasn't planning to put quite that fine a point on it, and that it might have come out by accident.

This explains much.

And makes me Afraid.

lighten up, damnit

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:40:40 GMT

i'm feeling lighter today; yay!

the argument with Curly was intense, but not hateful or mean. and it didn't make me feel anxious or overwhelmed the way that disharmony often does. it mostly felt like a sort of release of pent up pressure; each of us sort of explosively revealing needs that were not being met.

we've emailed and talked briefly since, and should see each other on friday.

my challenge to myself is to let go of needing to understand all about why she was spikey last week. it's not necessary for me to dissect her motivations, despite how much i might want to turn that over and over and over.

on the plus side, i'm actually reasonably confident that this isn't a breakdown of the relationship kind of thing. we were both coming from a place of the vulnerability that comes when dealing with someone who matters, which is significant to me.

i'm glad for that feeling. it means that i can relax a bit (or that i'm lulling myself into denial), and give us a little time to re-establish our connection.

hm. that's a lot of rambling; probably doesn't make much sense. but i promised myself to blog more of my thoughts as i get deeper into this relationship, so there it is...

the calm after the explosion

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 07:59:12 GMT

Curly and I just had what was probably our first proper fight. It was on the phone, so it perhaps didn't escalate as far as it could have. and no makeup sex yet. but it was definitely a big ole raised-voice "you hurt me"-"no, you hurt me" kind of back and forth.

It comes down to: she's stressed and emotionally strained, mainly because of her work. I know this and try to be very supportive. sometimes, when she's stressed, she'll express that she's annoyed with me.

As soon as I hear that, I'm on 'red alert' (which is proving to be not necessary, but it's part of my wiring). I'm walking on eggshells waiting for some kind of 'all clear' signal to know that we're back to normal. Doesn't have to happen right away, but until it does; I'm reading volumes into every glance, every phrase, and every touch. Completely neurotic.

So basically, I've been on red alert since some time on Saturday. Best behavior; very accomodating; trying to anticipate Curly's every need and get out of the dog house. Also, hyperanalyzing what i've done or not done that could have caused the annoyance. You have no idea how much mental energy has gone into this.

I've repeatedly made overtures - "can we talk ? can you help me understand what's going on?" So far, I've gotten a lot of "I can't process right now", which to me just amps up the red alert. It's like how every airport in the country has been at threat level "Amber" for the past 5 years.

Curly's emphasis in the argument tonight was her overall stress level, and how she just wants to spend time together with me and not "have to process everything", since she's already emotionally overdrawn. It was a lot of "why can't we just spend time together? Why didn't you sit next to me? Why didn't you want us to spend the night together?".

It makes me think of the traditional nuclear family: dad wants to come home and get some simple pleasures and emotional support. mom Wants validation and appreciation, and some emotional vulnerability. Which is hugely ironic given Curly's tendency to talk about "us gals" and to drop other heteronormative stereotypes.

Luckily, I'm extremely emotional stable, and I don't need a ton of validation. Plus, my self-preservation instincts are pretty strong, which I think means that I'm unlikely to let anyone drain me too far below the red line.

Homework for me: say something more explicit than "can we talk/reconnect". such as "I can't tell if you're still annoyed with me - are we good now?" In other words, find the right language to request whatever the "all clear" phrase is that will allow me to stand down from red alert.

Homework for Curly: avoid phrases like "I'm annoyed with you", or else provide a few more regular status updates, like "whew! i'm feeling better; thanks for waiting me out, honey"...

We'll see. I attemped to re-direct the argument into "I'm hearing and understanding you; are you hearing and understanding me? If so, how do we hit the reset switch". I think that it worked... Curly's competitive nature makes it hard for her to admit being wrong, but even the nature of the argument actually gave me some of the validation that i needed (much like the wife in the hetero-normative scenario).

poof! time flies

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:26:59 GMT

just like that, it's mid-january. where did the time go?

the holiday season was quick and generally painless. i saw the family, spent some time in the cold. i got to see two of my best friends from high school, and Curly and i went to two kickass new year's eve parties.

sooooooo...... howzit with Curly?

Best. Relationship. Yet.

on the one hand, this is not saying much. i've had shockingly few relationships in my adult life. most have been abysmally short, abysmally one-sided, or simply fantasy.

on the other hand, all those are also reasons to celebrate! curly and i are definitely compatible and on the same page in a LOT of ways that matter. it feels really comfortable, but not so easy as to make me complacent.

so three cheers for starting the new year on a good foot :-)

next up? flying with Curly to New York for a college buddy's wedding.... oh, and we'll be staying......... WITH MY PARENTS!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

it's not all bad news

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:09:20 GMT

Got a message from Curly this morning, owning up to her 'emotional lability'. I'm reminded of when we've been able to communicate really well, and that we do have really similar attitudes/expectations.

FAIL

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:41:31 GMT

epic FAIL.

two major FAILs in one week, in fact.

FAIL the FIRST: wanted to encourage Curly to be a little more toppish in the sack. thought things were starting well; tried to change position a bit for my comfort, but apparently tripped a landmine instead. tears and heavy emotions ensued. tried to be supportive and understanding. post-processing on this has not yet occurred. had OK sex the next morn, and sent a dozen roses later to try to reinforce the love and appreciation.

second FAIL: fancy dress date night last night. the evening opened with a warning that Curly was extremely moody, pissed at the world, and had a headache for 18 hours. but still wanted to do dinner and Phantom (huh?). things picked up and went well all eve, right up until i expressed that i wanted to sleep alone (for a variety of reasons). this triggered feelings of rejection and pain for curly, which makes me feel like a total bastard, but also trapped in the sense that i couldn't take back my statement, but i also couldn't find an explanation that didn't make things worse.

so my back's against the wall and i'm hurting someone that i don't want to hurt. and none of the hundred other ways that i've tried to express my love/affection/appreciation in the last week seem to matter two whits at that moment, and i'm just a jerk who doesn't want to sleep with his girlfriend, but having a conversation about it is impossible because the girlfriend busted out that 'i'm distancing myself' tone of voice before i even started explaining anything, and now she's crying.

there are so many levels of things that i don't understand about this situation, i can't even begin to unravel them. and anyone who paints this as a boy/girl thing might just get a big smack in the face.

being here now

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:44:00 GMT

i am here to report to you, dear reader, live and direct from The Honeymoon Period. you know, that early stage in a relationship when it seems that the other person can do no wrong; everything's coming up roses (or vidoes, lydia, for the truly-obscure-robin-williams-movie buffs).

so yeah... um... it's great here! the sun is shining pretty much all the time, and the temp is a lovely dry warm 72-80 degrees.

we've spent a TON of time together over the last month, talk on the phone a fair amount (which is EXTREMELY unusual for me) , and seem to be in sync (or at least of similar minds) about an awful lot of stuff. simple things like the fact that we're both early risers (typical saturday convo: OMG! we slept in SOOOOO late! i think it's 9:30!! ... let's have sex :-] ), to planning to go to both a BurningMan camp fundraiser house music party to the Phantom of the Opera.

from everything that i've heard and seen, this period will eventually end. one of us will 'exhale' and drop the guard that we've unconsciously had up, and we'll have a big ole fight or something, and both of us will feel shitty for a time.

eventually, this will almost certainly happen.

but not yet. for now, i am simply channelling and giving voice to my pleasure and excitement. i found a fabulous, beautiful, fun person who things i'm fabulous, beautiful and fun too! how fucking great is that?

holy crap, flowers!

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:25:51 GMT

that's right. flowers.

Curly brought me flowers.

to my job.

like, personally walked them into the office.

how fucking awesome is that?

let the good times roll :-)

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:42:38 GMT

so the prize for understanding what's going on in someone else's head based on a couple of anecdotes goes to..... my Hot Librarian Sister !

which makes some sense since HLS' birthday is three days off from Curly's. HLS' conclusion was "she's stuck in the friend zone", which is to say that HLS thought Curly couldn't make the switch from thinking of me as a friend to thinking of me as a prospect.

how do i know that HLS is right? because on saturday, depite having other plans, i decided to accept Curly's suggestion that we see a DocFest movie. We movied, we mosied to a really great bar and sat outside in the deliciously warm evening listening to live jazz and talking. and finally, Curly revealed what had been going on....

shocker #1: Curly had had a crush on me before! she had already given up on me as a prospect, i guess; i don't know when all that came down for her, and i decided that i don't really care.

minor-shocker #2: Curly has been dating someone else! i think it started as a one-nighter at LoveFest (a few weeks ago), and she "wasn't all that excited about it".

so when i finally made my interest clear (in her mind, anyway), she was totally surprised and overwhelmed, and didn't know how to tell me that she had just started seeing someone, and didn't want to "cheat" on the other someone, or have me find out some time later that she had been seen with the other someone. etc, etc, etc ....

then we went back to her place and slept and had some hot sex. w00t !! i am now apparently "dating monogamously". who'da guessed it?

.... for those of you keeping score at home, we're giving the win to my HLS because we're using the Price Is Right rules - the closest answer without going over was "it's all in her head", with the additional advice that she needed time to work it out.

the Wily Sex Positive Wizard gets second place for his observations on how women with big brains often send mixed signals (Topping vs Bottoming, essentially).

thanks to everyone for playing! very soon, i expect to be agonizing over appropriate dating behavior, birthday gifts for a new girlfriend (did i just say "girlfriend" ... jeez.); what to call a grown woman who refers to other grown women as "gals" instead of "girls".... plenty of chances to WIN! so stay tuned....

apropos of ... something

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 06:01:33 GMT

I checked in with a couple of scorpios today, my sister and my good friend Ruby. Both gave some useful insights. Whether or not the scorpio-ness provides enough of a pattern for their feedback to be worthwhile is kind of hard to pin down. But of course it's good to talk about with friends and get some lovensupport.

A little while ago, it had occurred to me to bring this post back to the theme of being a flaming bi-sexual. But i got distracted.

Tonight, I thought I would throw a few of those thoughts out.

So as someone who was initially quite sexually repressed, then discovered boys in the Gay Mecca of the Universe, then started opening back up to women, there are a few things that always come up for me when i'm considering dating a woman. Most Flaming Bisexuals won't share this info with you, so pay attention....

typical insecurities for me:

* if i like this woman, does that invalidate my queer-ness?
* will i lose credibility with my gay male friends?
* am i looking for a woman because i feel pressured by my parents?
* what are the chances that they'll like butt-sex?
* will i be limited to penis-vagina sex from here on in?
* is it going to be awkward for me to refer to my male gay friends as girls?
* how many of the stories of my queer experiences will i edit or simply fail to share?
* i very frequently find that i will sub-consciously play-down my more effeminate body language

There you have it. All of them ridiculous, none of them rational.

Can I list you as a reference?

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:59:45 GMT

Sushi with Curly last night! And an awful lot of talking. Like ... a LOT. And more talking this morning. There was also some cuddling. A little bit, anyway.

Too much to relate right now. Apparently, my application is being considered. I was automatically disqualified from the 'casual sex' program because i have too many connections to her social group.

But the bar for capital-R relationships is much higher, and the application process more complex.

Sometimes people with big brains really shoot themselves in the foot, ya know? (hello, kettle? this is alex. yeah. you're black, did you know that? right; OK, bye).

some new insight

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 16:17:34 GMT

Saw Curly again last night, out with the tuesday-night-alcoholics. Just briefly, but enough to maintain a little connection, I think.

I also spoke to the female half of the PolyAmory PosterChildren couple. Got some good insights from her as far as how she's negotiated intimacy early in new relationships. There are some similarities between her and Curly that make this pertinent. Another good friend, the Wily Wizard had some amusing observations about Curly (he met her recently). According to him, I'm often attracted to "reasonably pretty, though not super beautiful women with really big brains", and that women like that have a tendency to send mixed signals as far as whether they want the man to take control, or if they're going to get offended by that sort of thing. WOW. Definitely a good thing to keep in mind.

Finally, when I got home yesterday evening, I got a surprise visit from a couple of friends about whom I had forgotten: Joy and Frivolity :-) It was really good to see them and I did a little dance and sang a silly song, and dressed in slutty clothes and walked around the city a bit smiling at the sheer fact that I'm alive and well and live in a beautiful city with lots and lots and lots of eye candy. What's not to like?

A Public Apology

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 08:15:49 GMT

i must hearby apologize, publicly, and with some degree of shame.

What I did caused some degree of emotional distress, and even possibly some physical distress.

I cannot excuse my actions, although I can explain that at the time, I was a bit confused and distracted, and I did not recognize your action as a reflection of my own state of mind, rather than a behavior borne of malice or mischief.

Next time, I'll try to have the presence of mind to realize that if you crawl on top of our 'guest' and sit on her as she's lying in bed next to mre, that it might not be because you want her to have a lousy night's sleep and never return. That it might instead be the case that you are simply picking up so loudly and clearly on the turmoil in my own head that you couldn't sleep either, and thought to help resolve the whole situation by waking her up too! I mean, it's been clear enough at other times that you were picking up on and reflecting my stress levels. as i lie there awake, why wouldn't i expect that you would pick up on that too?

so anyway, i'm sorry, mushi, my feline friend, i'll try to not react so harshly next time. sticking you in the closet for 2 hours might possibly have been unecessary, as was threatening to put you up for adoption...

caution: limited sight distance

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:23:26 GMT

we'll see about the next event. it'll start at a sushi restaurant, which is a problematic venue for experimentally invading personal space. but there will probably also be some kind of bar involved in the evening, so that should allow for something.

as i've observed before, there's a loud voice in me which dislikes this kind of ambiguity. i can see myself getting more emotionally invested, and i know that the further i go down that road, the worse the disappointment is going to be if i was mis-guided.

but hey! life's about taking risks, right? i can follow my yoga teacher's advice and 'proceed boldly with caution', right?

riiiiiiiight.

i'm kind of a chicken

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 04:09:26 GMT

... but i think maybe i got my point across.

got on the phone with Curly. sort of had a script in mind, and had a lot of trouble following it.

new theory - she was actually mostly asleep and oblivious. this is EXTREMELY difficult to believe, but my ego likes it, so i'm rolling with it for the moment.

i mean, we chatted on the phone just like we have been. a little small talk for openers; i mentioned the thursday rezzies; then reiterated that i really enjoyed yesterday and have enjoyed getting to know her (kinda corny, but i'm going for unambiguous here, right?). she's goin right along with it like there's nothing out of the ordinary.

i decide that the apology approach is not gonna work... shift gears; i go for playful teasing instead, and question why she didn't try to take advantage of me. she rolls with the same vibe and says something about not wanting to intimidate me. we both laugh knowingly, and conversation moves on.

um. witty banter? OK; i guess... does this count as progress?

yes, it can get more confusing

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:48:08 GMT

got an email from Curly - no mention of awkwardness, except to comment on my cat (who was definitely being a brat at 4 in the morning). the main point of the email was to remind me that we planned to go for sushi on thursday night. sushi. just the two of us. that sounds like a date, right?

i'm way to tired to understand much right now, but i am making reservations anyway.

wow, i didn't think that was possible....

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:55:43 GMT

I'm actually more confused now than the last time i posted.

dinner.. check
good conversation... check
fun movie... check
gift from her in appreciation of used cell phone gift... check
nightcap at my place... check
more good conversation... check
sing "baby it's cold outside"... check
offer of hospitality accepted... check

smooching? ... nope
touching? ... me yes, her no
sleeping? ... me no, her yes

me understanding women? not even a LITTLE BIT.

part of me is MORTIFIED that i made her uncomfortable with my late-night advances. part of me is still trying to understand some version of the universe in which she could actually be interested in me,but chose to not act on it, as ridiculously unlikely as that sounds.

part of me is reviewing what led up to last night, trying to figure out what signals were actually there, vs. the ones that i made up in my head.

most of me is feeling sad, rejected and tired from sleeping too little and thinking WAY too much

many thanks to euphaes for responding to my early morning confused text message. and many thanks to CKD for her excellent suggestion for followup.

the current plan is to try an apologetic strategy - put the cards on the table, take responsibility for trying to shift our context from platonic to sexual, and hopefully avoid making her feel defensive, so that i can find out where her head is...

then find a therapist :-P

and it's not even spring

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 17:02:35 GMT

I think I've got a crush on a girl.

One of the main clues is that I've begun day dreaming about romantic or sexy shared moments that may or may not ever happen in our future together. This is a fairly typical sign (for me) that I think we should be dating. Which means, unfortunately, that I have to figure out how to articulate my intentions to her and get some kind of reaction, probably pretty soon.

Why?, you might ask... I mean, we've spent some one-on-one time together recently; what any rational person might call 'dates' (they involved adult beverages and revelations about our pasts). We seem to enjoy each other's company, etc etc. Why would I feel the need to be more 'explicit'?

The catch is that I know her through some mutual friends, so we started out on very platonic terms. She knows that I'm bi and down with the non-monogamy (she's got bi leanings, but probably not multi-partner interest), which is probably good to get out of the way. But since we started as casual friends, I'm really unclear on the etiquette... and we haven't done any making out or touchy-feely action yet either. All of which makes me quite afraid that I'm projecting my interest onto her, and mis-reading whatever signals she may (or may not) be sending.

I've tried throwing out a few one-liners to gauge her reaction, and the results have been inconclusive/unreadable (to me).

We watched the last presidential debate together at a club (with dinner and bottle of wine), and talked after until they kicked us out...

She agreed to see a movie with me (today in fact), which is a fairly date-like activity. These are good signs. At least one female friend has said that I'm on safe ground just 'putting it out there', and that there's low risk that she would really think poorly of me even if she's not interested. And I expect that's true.

But I'm still unclear on how to go about it. What does one say, after all? "hey there, friend, what do you think about making out a little?" or perhaps "um.. gee.. do you wanna .. maybe... 'date' me?" Gimme a break.

The conservative approach would be to just keep spending time until something physical happens. I am NOT that patient. If history has shown us anything, it is that there is a very loud voice in my head that really wants to know what kind of relationship I'm dealing with. Mainly because while things are ostensibly platonic, my deeply rooted 'Sensitive New Age Guy' training will not allow me to get physically touchy with women. It's like brainwashing. I can flirt and play grabass with gay guys til the cows come home, but hetero female friends are Out Of Bounds (unless they're completely unavailable, in which case it's ok).

I think I need a therapist.

on the lighter side...

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 15:45:14 GMT

OK, I should probably apologize for last night's post. Apparently, some yoga followed by three glasses of wine opened up a dark little corner in my brain, and some stuff gushed out...

Actually, I shouldn't apologize. One of my motivations for blogging (anonymously, no less) was to shake out a few demons, so there they go!

In other news, perhaps contributing to my dark thoughts about chicken hawks, I went to a sex club on saturday night. It's more properly called a 'bathhouse', because they have a pool, a gigantic jacuzzi and private rooms.

I've been to this place before, and several others like it. This time I went with a couple of friends (it's generally more fun with a group, IMHO).

It was a good time overall - several hours between a sauna and a hot tub will always put me in a good mood. There was a surprising mix of body shapes and colors, though the crowd was decidedly weighted towards older men (45+). I don't think that I have some of the extreme anti-older-guy bias that some gay men do, but I really don't like men who treat the bathhouse experience in a dark and creepy way.

Lack of eye contact, no talking, no laughing, no names, but as soon as two people start fooling around, they're on it like a pack of hyenas on a dead gazelle. Jeez! Can't we be human about this?